Questions

Healing. Acceptance.
Two words I have yet to understand.
Can time really heal the wounds?
Does it start with a helping hand?

Will forgiveness come naturally
like in a year or two?
Or will it take a lifetime and the next
to live with something I can never undo?

Will I ever be vindicated
or will I remain misunderstood?
Will their lies remain in power
while my truth kept hidden from view?

Must I always be judged without fair trial?
Must it always be a one-sided jury?
Must money and profession always overrule
what the heart and conscience once used to fuel?

When all you did was make it work
but all he did was grow berserk.
You tried to nurture and put up with what's left
but he turned away and gave more somewhere else.

And while all his short-comings were passed on to you,
You took the punches with credit you're not even due.
Even then, you're still to blame they all say.
You put yourself in this mess, girl.. You chose to stay.

So what happens now?
What lies ahead for this messed up wreck?
What kind of ending awaits?
Maybe Ralph could help me out here.
Will Fix-It-Felix teach me some of his tricks?

Happy Birthday, Dad..

" I know you're in a better place

but I wish that I could see your face

I know you're where you need to be

Even though it's not here with me... "

          It's been 8 years since you left but I can never get over the fact that you're gone.. For good, this time.  I know I must be happy that you are peacefully at rest now.  You no longer have to endure the hospital tubes and constant injections you hated very much.  We don't need to stay up all night as well or make the hospital our second home.  And no one has to think of excuses anymore for the cashier to believe the FHM magazines were not for us.  Yes daddy,  I knew about those "secret books" hidden in the last drawer.  And no dad, I never would've guessed those were yours.  Hahaha!

            I wish I could turn back time and be the little princess you used to call me.  The Little Miss Bacood you always gave a crown, wand, and jewelry to complete the ensemble because you knew I loved seeing myself that way in front of the mirror.  I remember how Mama got so mad at first that one time she saw me putting on make up with her beauty kit but laughed it off after I explained how I was just making myself pretty for my daddy.  I remember how I persistently forced Mama to scoot over and let me be beside you in bed, only to wake up an hour after bedtime with your very, very, loud snore blasting my eardrums away.  Mama must have really loved you to withstand the force all night dad, no offense. =D

            Today, you should've turned 59.. Sayang daddy, kaya ko na mag-red horse ngayon. Makakasabay na sana ako. :))  Although Mama would have never allowed it.  On this birthday year, however, I will choose to remember the good times I had with you.  I choose to reminisce on the moments I felt very happy and lucky to be your daughter.  Having you as a father meant I was able to spend my elementary and high school years in good, private schools.  I was able to have Sunday dinners with you in restaurants with above average service.  I got to bike across CCP complete with the training wheels and elbow pads that made me feel like such a badass biker.  Oh, the fun of being a child geek. B)

            Never a day goes by without me wishing you were still here.  That what happened with our family never took place and there was no need to battle out everything in court and in countless lawyers' offices.  I never wanted to feel that way about you.  Nor did Mama.  Especially Mama... She was the only reason you were still able to keep us within earshot.  To be honest, the pain is still in us Dad.  In me.  I find it so hard to accept and believe the truth about our family.  I can't help but run and hide when I remember how I was kicked out of place.  I can't help but cave and sit in a corner when I try and fathom how you replaced us so quickly..  You were my superhero dad.  All I needed was to know I was also your princess and I was still in your heart.   Because I was a real big Daddy's girl.  You just cut me out a bit too fast to notice.  Look at that, I said I will choose to remember the good stuff.. But I guess the pain and confusion doesn't melt away that easy now, does it...

            Anyhow dad, it all boils down to how much I miss you, really.. And how I would love for us to be father and daughter again the normal way.  I miss you when days get way out of hand for me..  I miss you when a particular guy keeps taking me for granted and never sees my heart the way he should.. I miss you when I need a man to protect me and stand up for me and my daughter... I miss you daddy.... I so damn do.  Happy Birthday wherever you are.... All my love to you....

Too much pressure at such awkward stage of youth
I wish I didn't have to deal with it but I have no choice but to face the truth

Suffering the consequences of others' mistakes has brought immense achings to this naive heart

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined that these vexes could tear me apart

If I could undo the damage, I would but it is simply too late, I've ended up misunderstood

Tainted and broken with nowhere to go

My grip has now weakened, causing me to let go

The joy I used to have are now lethal illusions of destruction

A life of timorous ordeals with no road to recovery

I guess that's how it was meant for me

Huling Paalam

Ngayong nagpaalam na, hindi alam kung san magsisimula
Mga alaala'y muling nagbabalik
Sa twing nasasabik sa yakap mo't halik

Kung mapagbibigyan lang ng Maykapal
Ang makita kang muli ang tanging dinarasal
Mailap mang mangyari ay umaasa parin
Nagbabakasakaling mapagbigyan ang hiling

Hindi man nagkasundo at madalas nagkatampuhan
Ika'y minahal at mamahalin pa magpakailanman

Hindi rin man naging maayos ang ating huling sandali
Ito'y itatago at isasantabi hanggang sa tayo'y magkita muli

Sa ngayon siguro, masaya't kuntento ka
Sa bago mong tahanang paraiso sa ganda
Isa lang ang pakiusap, kung pwede lang sana

Mga pinagdaanng away ay kalimutan na
Mga mapapait na salita ay itapon na
Masasayang napagsamahan nalang ang tandaan
Lalo na ang mga ngiting bihira kong nasulyapan

Everything has its place in time.  No matter how surreal it may seem at first.  We love, get hurt, move on.  It isn't that big of a deal.  People come and go.  The assurance you get whether he or she will stay or not is beyond our control.  The only thing to do is to lose yourself and make fate work its magic.  Who knows, you might even get something out of it.  But don't expect a happy ending all the time.  Not everyone gets their fairy tale ending at the first try anyway.  Besides, going through life and love the hard way would be a more rewarding experience than getting it all at once.

Don't you think so? :)

Juvenile

Relive the childish play
Savor the joy of being looney
Don't hold back, just go astray
Celebrate for the sake of sympathy

All I want is to be free
From all the chaos that's happening to me
I need someone to lift me up
Someone to soar my spirits high
By dragging me down to my grave where I'll smile

Trying to break free from the senile of death
Before they take me to the place of my final rest
If I could just go back to my precious youth
And rediscover the essence of living innocent truth


I can't care less of how my reincarnation will be done
As long as it hales me and forms my scattered pieces into one

Wishful Dreaming

The first time I saw you from a distance
I didn't know what to do,
I just couldn't help but glance

Your smile was so sweet, it captivated me in an instant
Your charm so unique that shined so radiant

I liked you more when we started hanging out
To me you were the perfect guy without any doubt

My happiness was short-lived when I soon found out that someone else already owned your heart

I should have been in her place, I came too late
I was forced to accept this tragic fate

Despite the pain I tried so hard to hide, I continued to be a friend by your side

I tried to move on and make the feelings subside
But you got a hold on me, it was too obvious to deny

She's a very lucky girl, I sure hope she knows that
I would trade anything just to be where he's at

To wait for you, I guess, would be the only thing I can do
So until then, don't worry about me
I'll still be here loving you

Que Sera Sera

Destiny does not always go according to plan.  In one way or another, it'll screw you up and leave you on the floor with nothing but scattered pieces of that bygone dream.  You might even think of ending everything right there and then just so you never have to feel that pain again.

But that's life.. Our control over what may happen to us is nothing short of a baby's grip.  We choose what we want to do but in the end, what happens, happens.  Whatever will be, will be.  That's just the way life goes.

But hey, if things don't turn out the way you want them to, don't cry over spilled milk.  It will only make you feel more depressed than you already are.  Get yourself together and move on.  You don't have to turn your back on your past.  Just keep it at a distance far enough so it doesn't interfere with your future.  That way, not only do you keep yourself sane, you get to be a stronger person too.  Now, wouldn't that be nice? :)

Roundtrip Ticket

I've been stuck in this limbo for as long as I can remember

I seem to have gone through the worst of blunders

Walking endlessly around nowhere, this has to stop.

Perhaps a closure to ease my heart.

One last trip for me to take,

One last smile for old time's sake.

I don't intend to lengthen my allotted time

Nor to allure the angel who took away my life

A subtle glance over those I've left below

is more than enough to nullify the sorrow

Scanty yet deep, this moment shall be

Deliriums will no longer haunt my harmless body

For in peace I shall now rest my lifeless temple

Remaining still and silent, content and idle.

"Being a mother is discovering strengths you didn't know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed."

          To all the struggling moms out there, whether it be a financial, emotional, physical, or a sanity-breaking / all-around kind, here's to us. The real, unnoticed and overly underrated (not to mention UNDERPAID) heroes of society.

        While others wake up and rush off to work or school, we get up for chores and for watching over the kids, making sure the house is in order and the laundry attended to.

        While others get the weekend off and catch up on sleep or outings or friends, we.. Wait.. what exactly is a weekend again?

        While others drive around the city meeting clients and bosses looking all chic and professional, we drive (commute even--pollution plus overcrowded spaces and all) to the market, grocery, bill payment centers, or simply walk up to sari-sari stores and carinderias, in either towel cover-ups, just-got-out-of-bed hair, house clothes that never really accentuate your curves and good angles.

        While others have coffee breaks, lunch breaks, dinner outs, or office parties, we barely have a break, let alone a bathroom escape because the second you stop looking at your kids, they go scream, scatter, spill, or break something. They will follow you everywhere, anywhere, anytime.

        While others have their lives moving forward, even gaining friends as perks of being exposed to extra-curricular gatherings and events whenever or wherever it's held, the norm conforms us to stay at home and be at home.  Especially if with kids not old enough to be on their own because being seen in bars or gimmick hot spots at night (the only time the kids are finally asleep and chores get done, mind you) automatically labels you as a careless, irresponsible homemaker.

        While their wallets' content increase over time, ours remain a fixed amount. Spent only with the family's needs and putting aside our personal wants.  No holiday pay. Overtime pay. Bonus pay. Double pay. What pay?



                                                BUT THEN AGAIN...


        While they are piled up with paperwork, we are piled up with toys and kisses from our little ones.

        While they have keyboards, tools, or loads to hold, we have beautiful little cheeks and noses to poke. A bundle of joy, a treasure worth a thousand fold.

        While they raise issues, complaints and deadlines, we raise precious gifts from heaven and watch them reach great heights as they grow older and wiser each day.

        While they hold meetings and seminars or even presentations with speeches to win the boss over, we hold the teachings and traditions passed on from generation to generation in every moral value we instill in them.

        While they are responsible for office keys, car keys, employee-only keys to specific areas in a building, we hold the key to our husband's hearts and our children's tomorrow.

        With every beating comes a lesson to learn, wisdom to gain.  A heart of a mother is the toughest and most fragile of them all for it can withstand blows men will never understand and still have so much room for all the love in the world to occupy it.  So with every Darn It! has an I'll Know Better Next Time after. Every tear has a smile to cover after.  Every heartbreak, a stronger will to fight.  Every You're The Best, Mom! comes a lifetime worth of purpose and sense of pride. :)